Slow down my beating heart, slow down..

Are you lonesome tonight?

Oh you betcha! That is a popular song by the king of pop, curled lip Elvis Presley :) I was listening to it the other night and couldn't help but feel a mixed bag of emotional sorts. Well this isn't going to be another cliched blog I hope.

Songs always get you thinking and get you thinking hard. When there are only about 60 days of college left, the pressure is on for what not. Choices are all present but decisions have to be made. Its times like these when I do not want to make my own decisions. I want to hire someone who does the thinking for me when it comes to making decisions on my life.

They say home's where the heart is. It was until three months ago. Ever since then, I haven't thought of going home except for some home food that I miss now and then :) I have become attached to the life I am so used to here in college. Getting up at 12 pm, getting a frantic call from a friend "where are you? what about lunch?" and then, me saying "bas just half n hour yar" and his/her reply "yar jaldi aa, feeling very hungry" :) So finally, I get ready and go an hour late! Have lunch just because I've paid the mess fee and then deciding what next. Someone says "We've to get back to work cause the report's due on 29th!" and then as usual, I always being the first to come up with "Ok, but first a cold coffee pls". And the conversations are endless! All through out the day, people join in and people leave the conversations. At the end of the day, I always end up having very heavy discussions with some of them and ultimately have a huge ringing in my head that says "How can I leave Pune?" that is almost always heard by one of my precious friends who answers "Tu mat jaa na, we'll all be here in Pune, I don't care, you're not leaving!" Emotional atyachaar is what it turns out to be every day end!

How do people make decisions without the slightest thought that they might regret it? That is one thought that haunts me daily. I am a sucker for friends as many people already might know. I can go all the way for them, or not do anything at all. The times I've gone out of my way to prove something, I have made a fool of myself. I do not want to do that again but it is difficult to put your mind and not your heart when you're so used to thinking with your heart. What if I weigh my options and decide that sticking around in Pune is better and then ultimately my friends move on in life. What then? My judgement call would be inevitably proved wrong. The people around me move on and get focussed, while am waiting around. At the same time, if I leave Pune, I am missing out on many things. I used to be a very ambitious person until college happened. Then things kinda took a detour and my priorities were washed up against some island like waves hitting the shore. If it was the 16 year old me doing the blogging now, I wouldn't be blogging about how confused I am, rather, I would be blogging about how happy I am now that I've finally got a chance to live my dream. What has happened to that ambition and that unquenchable thirst to make it big in life?

I have realized that money is not my happiness. Success may or may not be my happiness. That source of happiness for me is a feeling of wanting to do something that would make someone smile. That is what I want to do. Jobs and degrees come and go. But every life has an inner purpose and mine strongly asks me to spread some cheer. If I haven't been able to do that up until now, I want to do that as I tread along the years. I have pictured myself in a small country home with a loving family, always happy and always learning. However, I do not intend to take a step back and let my intellect go to waste. All I'm saying is that, higher salaries and pay packages do not attract me. Yet. I do not know what the future has in store for me. As of now, when I'm around some special people, I melt. They have taught me to live in the present even if they are very focused on their lives and are clear about what they want to do. I am happy being with them and being around them. I hope the Lord gives me strength when the time comes for me to let go. Goodbyes are always hard. Late goodbyes are even worse.

I hope the big man above is listening and I hope he goes easy on me. That is all for now.

Are You Lonesome Tonight,
Do you miss me tonight?
Are you sorry we drifted apart?
Does your memory stray
To a bright summer day
When I kissed you and called you sweetheart
Do the chairs in your parlor seem empty and bare?
Do you gaze at your doorstep
And picture me there?
Is your heart filled with pain,
Shall I come back again?
Tell me, dear, Are You Lonesome Tonight?
I wonder if you are lonesome tonight
You know someone said that the world's a stage
And we each must play a part.
Faith had me playing in love with you as my sweet heart.
Act one was when we met, I loved you at first glance
You read your lines so cleverly and never missed a cue
Then came act 2, you seemed to change and you acted strange
And why I'll never know.
Honey, you lied when you said you loved me
And I had no cause to doubt you.
But I'd rather go on hearing your lies
Than to go on living without you.
Now the stage is bare and I'm standing there
With emptiness all around
And if you won't come back to me
Then they can bring the curtain down.

-Elvis Presley