Reverrie

Newbies! Whats new? Who's new? What feels new? Well..just about everything! New doesnt necessarily mean good. But it doesnt have to be bad either.

For starters, blogging is new to me. I have written bits and pieces of blogs. But never a one so seriously as here.

For cocktails or mocktails and other such musings, my real life scenario is new. A new year. A new phase. One filled with decisions, depression, critics, gimmicks, trials, success, failures, lazyness, happiness, positivity, negativity. Sugar, spice and everything nice to make it click. By 'it', I mean whatever it is I have to do.

For main course, I have my academia. Resumes to design. Targets for self. Goals to achieve. Professors to keep on my side. Books to read. Papers to present. Exams to prepare for. Classes to be taken. Attendance to maintain. Seems like the world is caving in on me.

For dessert, I have the cream of the lot. Whipped cream. Whipped, I say because that is what it is. Whipped in terms of confusion. Whipped in terms of

Wh- what
i - I
p- Perceive
p- Probably
e - Ends
d - Doomed

Support. It is something one would always expect from family. I have that. Motivation. I have that too. Dependency. Yes, that also. Precisely my point. College is the end of the road for dependents. Carve a path for yourself. Seek internal happiness. Find what you love and go after it. Easier said than done.

Have I lost the willingness to search and come to a conclusion about what I have to do with my life, where I see myself 10 years from now, to rise to the top, to stand the test of time, to prove to myself what I am capable of. It is not so much a question as a thought. These, I ask to myself, on a daily basis. And I lose my appetite.

Somewhere along the way, a mystery worm has crept under my skin. Its in my blood and flowing swiftly toward my heart. Eating away every bit of sweetness and happiness that I have in me. I can feel it. It entered my system as a dot. Now its growing. Its as big as a lady bug. I look at my arm and I can see it running up and down the length, searching the way to my heart. Its this bug that I fear the most in my life at this juncture. It can destroy me. The key to destroy the bug, though, lies in me. All I need to do is shoo it away with just a blow. I cant bring myself to make that effort. It isn't earth shattering to do that. But as long as I don't do it, its just about shattering my earth.

Solution. No one but me is my solution. Inside my heart there is a door. A valve. I don't know where it lies or how to open it. But I do know this. I can see what that door opens to and beyond. I have to open it soon. I have to come up with this game plan I need to recklessly follow. Only I can direct me. Only I know what it is that I can do with my power of will. But formulating the game plan is no cake walk. I have to develop this Bug Destroy Generator.

Step 1: Write down when the bug becomes the most active. What time or place triggers its motion.

Step 2: Where is its first move. Which direction.

Step 3: What is its distance from the heart. Will it hit it in the next 5 minutes?

Step 4: If not, then calm down.

Step 5. If yes, Panic!!

Step 6: (only kidding, ignore step 5)

Step 7: Think of a counter attack. Do the exact opposite to what would make the bug excited.

Step 8: Note down all observations and keep comparing them with previous ones.

Step 9: If the bug continues to remain active, get hyper. Do everything in your control to negate the effect of that movement. If it means having to do the things you have never done or thought you couldn't, DO it.

Step 10: Step 9 would positively work. There is no step 10. Bug under control if not destroyed completely.


As mentioned before, this bug is the biggest fear right now which has closed me up. And the bug is nothing but my fear in itself. So small but larger than life.

To fear fear is my greatest shortcoming.

Blogging it just helped me realise that I have to do something. Quick.


-Sum
23:38