Ok, I was talking about the fish out of water situation. But I feel better now. I believe that whatever I was feeling while I was writing Part 1 was because of my inflated ego. I couldn't believe people broke my trust and my expectations. I made myself believe that only reason I am in Pune is to make deep friends and all that jazz. I know now, that is not actually who I am. I am a loner, I need my space and I can get clingy at the same time. I can't figure myself out at times, and I expect my friends to do that. That is not fair, so I have decided to just be here to learn what I have to, from my experiences and my mistakes, and mend my ways. I am the first change that I expect to see in the world.
I hang onto some people. I loosen my grip over the others. That's the decision I've made. Ultimately I have to be at peace with myself. So to all you people out there who have trouble with their social lives, I tell you, its best to just be yourself. Don't give yourself a hard time if someone else is not nice to you. Reason it out once, and if there's no solid conclusion, don't bother finding one. Trust me, you're better off than that.
Cheerio!
Friday, October 23, 2009
Thursday, October 1, 2009
Clueless in Pune!
I think I am just about to embark on one of those adventure novels that I so love to read myself. What I mean is, I am turning out to be my own adventure novel!
Folks, this is me, in my final year of engineering in Pune, a place far from where my roots are. I write this blog not to reminisce but to just write! I did believe in keeping diaries for a long time, but with the digital onslaught, who bothers much for pen and paper! I can proudly say I do, but its a very sporadic feeling. So I reverted to blogging.
I am a classic case of the agony aunt I keep referring to. I am jilted by very tiny things that don't make up my life. I believe truly in friendship and expectations. But to not have it when you've expected it is something more than just sad. That is my life in Pune. Many of my friends and my parents and brother, have all told me they can sense negativity in my writing. Well, my expression is such that I can only speak of what is happening in my life and not what I would like it to be!
This blog is to all the expectations I've had and not been realized and all the bonds I've shared and broken. Some of you reading it may be a part of it too. I write not to hurt, but to get it out of my system.
Pune began as a new culture, a new world for me. I belong to Kerala which when compared to Pune is like oil and water. We have a conservative and judgmental outlook to many daily affairs. When I landed in Pune, the people, the mindset, the opinions were all so variegated. It was a multicultural existence, these couple of years. I cannot say if I have gelled well with all of them, but I know I have tried and it will take more than four years to be perfect in that sense.
To me, where I think I may have erred is on the comparison between school and college part. That was not needed, and not heeded by any. I kept throwing my illusions of friendship at them and they just swinged it right back at me and I was too shocked to duck!
End of part I...
Watch out for part II, coming soon..
Folks, this is me, in my final year of engineering in Pune, a place far from where my roots are. I write this blog not to reminisce but to just write! I did believe in keeping diaries for a long time, but with the digital onslaught, who bothers much for pen and paper! I can proudly say I do, but its a very sporadic feeling. So I reverted to blogging.
I am a classic case of the agony aunt I keep referring to. I am jilted by very tiny things that don't make up my life. I believe truly in friendship and expectations. But to not have it when you've expected it is something more than just sad. That is my life in Pune. Many of my friends and my parents and brother, have all told me they can sense negativity in my writing. Well, my expression is such that I can only speak of what is happening in my life and not what I would like it to be!
This blog is to all the expectations I've had and not been realized and all the bonds I've shared and broken. Some of you reading it may be a part of it too. I write not to hurt, but to get it out of my system.
Pune began as a new culture, a new world for me. I belong to Kerala which when compared to Pune is like oil and water. We have a conservative and judgmental outlook to many daily affairs. When I landed in Pune, the people, the mindset, the opinions were all so variegated. It was a multicultural existence, these couple of years. I cannot say if I have gelled well with all of them, but I know I have tried and it will take more than four years to be perfect in that sense.
To me, where I think I may have erred is on the comparison between school and college part. That was not needed, and not heeded by any. I kept throwing my illusions of friendship at them and they just swinged it right back at me and I was too shocked to duck!
End of part I...
Watch out for part II, coming soon..
Saturday, September 20, 2008
Reverrie
Newbies! Whats new? Who's new? What feels new? Well..just about everything! New doesnt necessarily mean good. But it doesnt have to be bad either.
For starters, blogging is new to me. I have written bits and pieces of blogs. But never a one so seriously as here.
For cocktails or mocktails and other such musings, my real life scenario is new. A new year. A new phase. One filled with decisions, depression, critics, gimmicks, trials, success, failures, lazyness, happiness, positivity, negativity. Sugar, spice and everything nice to make it click. By 'it', I mean whatever it is I have to do.
For main course, I have my academia. Resumes to design. Targets for self. Goals to achieve. Professors to keep on my side. Books to read. Papers to present. Exams to prepare for. Classes to be taken. Attendance to maintain. Seems like the world is caving in on me.
For dessert, I have the cream of the lot. Whipped cream. Whipped, I say because that is what it is. Whipped in terms of confusion. Whipped in terms of
Wh- what
i - I
p- Perceive
p- Probably
e - Ends
d - Doomed
Support. It is something one would always expect from family. I have that. Motivation. I have that too. Dependency. Yes, that also. Precisely my point. College is the end of the road for dependents. Carve a path for yourself. Seek internal happiness. Find what you love and go after it. Easier said than done.
Have I lost the willingness to search and come to a conclusion about what I have to do with my life, where I see myself 10 years from now, to rise to the top, to stand the test of time, to prove to myself what I am capable of. It is not so much a question as a thought. These, I ask to myself, on a daily basis. And I lose my appetite.
Somewhere along the way, a mystery worm has crept under my skin. Its in my blood and flowing swiftly toward my heart. Eating away every bit of sweetness and happiness that I have in me. I can feel it. It entered my system as a dot. Now its growing. Its as big as a lady bug. I look at my arm and I can see it running up and down the length, searching the way to my heart. Its this bug that I fear the most in my life at this juncture. It can destroy me. The key to destroy the bug, though, lies in me. All I need to do is shoo it away with just a blow. I cant bring myself to make that effort. It isn't earth shattering to do that. But as long as I don't do it, its just about shattering my earth.
Solution. No one but me is my solution. Inside my heart there is a door. A valve. I don't know where it lies or how to open it. But I do know this. I can see what that door opens to and beyond. I have to open it soon. I have to come up with this game plan I need to recklessly follow. Only I can direct me. Only I know what it is that I can do with my power of will. But formulating the game plan is no cake walk. I have to develop this Bug Destroy Generator.
Step 1: Write down when the bug becomes the most active. What time or place triggers its motion.
Step 2: Where is its first move. Which direction.
Step 3: What is its distance from the heart. Will it hit it in the next 5 minutes?
Step 4: If not, then calm down.
Step 5. If yes, Panic!!
Step 6: (only kidding, ignore step 5)
Step 7: Think of a counter attack. Do the exact opposite to what would make the bug excited.
Step 8: Note down all observations and keep comparing them with previous ones.
Step 9: If the bug continues to remain active, get hyper. Do everything in your control to negate the effect of that movement. If it means having to do the things you have never done or thought you couldn't, DO it.
Step 10: Step 9 would positively work. There is no step 10. Bug under control if not destroyed completely.
As mentioned before, this bug is the biggest fear right now which has closed me up. And the bug is nothing but my fear in itself. So small but larger than life.
To fear fear is my greatest shortcoming.
Blogging it just helped me realise that I have to do something. Quick.
-Sum
23:38
For starters, blogging is new to me. I have written bits and pieces of blogs. But never a one so seriously as here.
For cocktails or mocktails and other such musings, my real life scenario is new. A new year. A new phase. One filled with decisions, depression, critics, gimmicks, trials, success, failures, lazyness, happiness, positivity, negativity. Sugar, spice and everything nice to make it click. By 'it', I mean whatever it is I have to do.
For main course, I have my academia. Resumes to design. Targets for self. Goals to achieve. Professors to keep on my side. Books to read. Papers to present. Exams to prepare for. Classes to be taken. Attendance to maintain. Seems like the world is caving in on me.
For dessert, I have the cream of the lot. Whipped cream. Whipped, I say because that is what it is. Whipped in terms of confusion. Whipped in terms of
Wh- what
i - I
p- Perceive
p- Probably
e - Ends
d - Doomed
Support. It is something one would always expect from family. I have that. Motivation. I have that too. Dependency. Yes, that also. Precisely my point. College is the end of the road for dependents. Carve a path for yourself. Seek internal happiness. Find what you love and go after it. Easier said than done.
Have I lost the willingness to search and come to a conclusion about what I have to do with my life, where I see myself 10 years from now, to rise to the top, to stand the test of time, to prove to myself what I am capable of. It is not so much a question as a thought. These, I ask to myself, on a daily basis. And I lose my appetite.
Somewhere along the way, a mystery worm has crept under my skin. Its in my blood and flowing swiftly toward my heart. Eating away every bit of sweetness and happiness that I have in me. I can feel it. It entered my system as a dot. Now its growing. Its as big as a lady bug. I look at my arm and I can see it running up and down the length, searching the way to my heart. Its this bug that I fear the most in my life at this juncture. It can destroy me. The key to destroy the bug, though, lies in me. All I need to do is shoo it away with just a blow. I cant bring myself to make that effort. It isn't earth shattering to do that. But as long as I don't do it, its just about shattering my earth.
Solution. No one but me is my solution. Inside my heart there is a door. A valve. I don't know where it lies or how to open it. But I do know this. I can see what that door opens to and beyond. I have to open it soon. I have to come up with this game plan I need to recklessly follow. Only I can direct me. Only I know what it is that I can do with my power of will. But formulating the game plan is no cake walk. I have to develop this Bug Destroy Generator.
Step 1: Write down when the bug becomes the most active. What time or place triggers its motion.
Step 2: Where is its first move. Which direction.
Step 3: What is its distance from the heart. Will it hit it in the next 5 minutes?
Step 4: If not, then calm down.
Step 5. If yes, Panic!!
Step 6: (only kidding, ignore step 5)
Step 7: Think of a counter attack. Do the exact opposite to what would make the bug excited.
Step 8: Note down all observations and keep comparing them with previous ones.
Step 9: If the bug continues to remain active, get hyper. Do everything in your control to negate the effect of that movement. If it means having to do the things you have never done or thought you couldn't, DO it.
Step 10: Step 9 would positively work. There is no step 10. Bug under control if not destroyed completely.
As mentioned before, this bug is the biggest fear right now which has closed me up. And the bug is nothing but my fear in itself. So small but larger than life.
To fear fear is my greatest shortcoming.
Blogging it just helped me realise that I have to do something. Quick.
-Sum
23:38
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